If you woke up one day and found yourself in the land of wooden shoes and tulips, there is no reason for xenophobia, take a deep breath and be prepared to view the world from the “natives’” point of view. Because 99.9% of the HU population is Dutch, the outcast of “non-cloggies” has no choice but to Dutcheralize themselves!
While researching for tricks to “Dutcheralize,” I wandered through the school corridors, counting the amount of coffee machines. They seemed to be everywhere and I felt they were a cornerstone, a countrywide pride, just like the Museum of Heineken in the center of Amsterdam. Why coffee, is it just a drink? Well, it is not that cut and dry, because for Dutch people, coffee is a national obsession. A cup of coffee marks all goings out and comings up. It is a liquid used around friendships, funerals, birthdays and office life pivots. To give you a better idea with statistics: the average Dutch person swallows 165 liters of this “stuff” each year. It is the essential lubricant of ‘gezelligheid’ (coziness).
In the Netherlands and at FCJ in particular, coffee is served black and strong enough to double the pulse rate. Milk coffee is tolerated, but is considered to be al- most another kind of drink. In the native language it is called koffie verkeerd, literally “coffee wrong”. Let’s not forget about the fundamental accessory to a Dutch coffee; biscuits that come with every mug as a mandatory addition to a few sugar cubes and a napkin. The rule of thumb dictates a fixed ritual; coffee in the morning, also at 11 am (with one cookie), during lunch at 3 pm (with one cookie), after dinner and at 8 pm. (with one cookie). The Dutch nibble through more biscuits per annum than any other nation in Europe. The only reason they are not on the top of the coffee consumption league is the fact that some- where, someone must be recycling used coffee beans.
In the “Lonely Planet” guide to the Netherlands, it is noted that coffee for Dutch is a way of taking a break from the burdens of hard work. The local Café is a communal sitting room; cozy, smoky and packed with people who left their own living rooms empty and pristine. You don’t have to search long for a place like this, on the faculty of FCJ “Stef ’s” is the symbol of the java melting pot.
The primary requirement for entry to “Café Society” is an opinion. Armed with at least one opinion, a Dutch person can while away a whole evening locked in endless verbal battle over a cup of coffee, or as the evening progresses a slim glass of beer. While debating with “cloggies,” it is necessary to use national idioms to add spice to a discussion. A suitable way of calling someone crazy is to tell him “you have been hit by a windmill.”, and if a “cheese head” is getting too personal, ask him to mind his own business by using the expression: “keep your clogs off the ice” (blijf met je klompen van ‘t ijs). If you are currently struggling to survive the fl at land in Northern Europe and the HU in particular, immerse yourself in the Dutch society by turning into a coffee maniac, even if the java beverage is not your favorite item on the menu. Let’s raise our mugs!
Written for the school magazine “The Neo Times”, December 2007
